The Workplace Nemesis Mirror

Jonas’ anger with his new colleague reveals something important about himself

Nov 28, 2022

Jonas made sure to close the zoom window before his face scowled with anger. A new colleague had just joined his team, and he was showing up with an arrogant know-it-all attitude. Jonas could sense it was impacting the rest of the team. He felt annoyed that it was impacting him so much too. Judgmental thoughts raced in his mind: He’s narcissistic and entitled. He’s a liability for my success here. Why did I agree to let this guy be hired if he has such a know-it-all attitude!?

It was later that evening that Jonas was sharing his struggle with me. His anger was creating its own feedback loop. The anger he held towards his colleague morphed into anger at himself for feeling so reactive, and then back again. Outward blame cycling with inward blame kept the emotions locked. He was in the running for a promotion when this new colleague was hired. There was ambiguity about who was to assume certain responsibilities. I listened as Jonas described his desire for specific work that he felt should be under his supervision. The new hire had joined his first team meeting and announced that he was going to assume these responsibilities without discussing them with anyone else. His matter-of-fact claim of this domain not only encroached on Jonas’ territory, but it also triggered his judgment at the way he was choosing to express it, which to Jonas was entitled and unnecessary.

In conversation with Jonas we shifted the focus:

Since this behavior was triggering Jonas, how could we leverage the trigger he felt as a guidepost to illuminate his own ways of being arrogant and entitled? If Jonas could see a direct reflection of himself through his colleague, then by processing his own emotions he would reveal a felt-sense portal to the way his colleague was feeling. He would also be able to show up to lead the rest of the team with presence and compassion. This would lead to higher work satisfaction for everyone, as well as re-focusing on the work that needs to get done through effective collaboration.
Through entertaining the perspective that arrogance is a byproduct of insecurity, how could we get curious about what this new colleague might be insecure about and empathize with his situation? This could lead to discovering ways in which Jonas could attune to his fears, rather than escalate his tension through reactivity. As an irreversible and personal revelation, Jonas would be able to apply these new insights to other times in the future when similar feelings arose, even if the context appeared different. Ultimately, this up-levels his capacity for real-time adaptive, liberated, and responsive leadership.
How could we learn what leadership values are of importance to Jonas and realign him to embody these values through being liberated from the reactive loops? By taking this approach, Jonas then increases the probability that he would show up in ways that would inspire his colleagues through integrated value alignment. Otherwise, the likely scenario is that these tensions would escalate into a sustained workplace nemesis dynamic.

So this is what we did. Similar to the processes we undergo with teams during our Liberated Leadership programs, undertaking these focuses, some of what we were able to discover included:

We revealed the emotions Jonas was avoiding feeling and then created contexts that invited his full expression of these feelings. This included honoring his anger as well as the softer feelings underneath that masked his own insecurities about himself.
We discovered what he was clinging to that held him back from harnessing the tension for creative insights. This included resolving his resentment towards his colleague, releasing the grip he held on the territory of his work position, and seeing parts of a work identity he had been unconsciously attempting to defend. He shifted from seeing a threat to seeing new, welcomed, possibilities.
We processed how his vilification of his new colleague was in fact a mirror (although an elusive one on the surface) of his own disintegrated parts. Because Jonas was no longer resisting feeling, he was able to see the feedback loop of his anger and blame through the reflection that his colleague offered him. He could see how until he integrated his own relationship with entitlement and arrogance, he would continue to collapse into the same behavior that his colleague was demonstrating.

This newfound embodied awareness liberated Jonas from the unconscious fate of perpetuating the conflict by revealing to him a body-centered pathway to choose a different way to respond.

The following week, Jonas was able to have a direct conversation with this colleague. He came from a place of empathy about how difficult it must be to start a new job and not know anyone on the team. He also celebrated his colleague’s desire to immediately take on work responsibilities, instead of the previous territorial attitude. Through his presence and lack of reactivity, his colleague immediately disarmed his arrogance.

“Yes, I feel like it’s important for me to show up and bring value right away to prove that I am worthy of this job,” he shared. Jonas also shared how he had experienced the behaviors in the previous meeting from his colleague, and how it had impacted him, igniting his anger. He spoke with ownership of his own experience and did not blame his colleague for his emotions. From this place, Jonas and his colleague were able to dissolve the loop of tension between them and see each other in their vulnerability, emotional realities, and begin to develop a trust that deepened because of the honesty in the process.

Arrogance, entitlement, and know-it-all attitudes are universal human experiences. There are also distinct ways these shadow behaviors manifest in the modern workforce as patterns within the intersection of socialized identities. As Jonas liberated himself from being gripped by these conformities, he was also embracing a type of leadership that was one step closer to being free from stereotypical, predictable, and limiting approaches that drive divisions in cultural polarities.

Update: While getting feedback on this piece, Jonas shared with me that he was slightly triggered by being associated with the word predictable. The work of liberation is a process.

Learn more about our Liberated Leadership programs: https://www.letsseelabs.com/

New book release January 2023: You Are Us: How to Build Bridges in a Polarized World – stay tuned: https://www.letsseelabs.com/you-are-us