Giving Feedback is Uncomfortable for a Reason

How Elijah found care for his colleague instead of caring about her reaction

Feb 21, 2023

Elijah dreaded the upcoming meeting. It was a performance review and he needed to express some important feedback. He feared that when he shared his ideas it would trigger defensiveness in her. His mind spun out in hypotheticals.

He felt into what he imagined might happen if he shared the feedback:

If she gets triggered, tension will escalate. She won’t like me anymore. She will tell others that I offended her. She will miss my intention, which is meant to help us all grow collaboratively. She will feel unvalued, or even consider leaving the company. She will blame me and this could have far-reaching consequences.

He was tempted to avoid sharing the feedback:

If I don’t share this, it will ensure that I won’t impact her emotional experience. She will still like me. I won’t have to manage interpersonal aftermath on the team or worry about my criticism making her less motivated.

Elijah also reckoned with the fact that if he chose avoidance, his concerns related to the feedback would not be addressed. He was responsible for the team's performance as well as their team cohesion and morale. This piece of feedback he sought to share felt important for her growth, as well as something that could serve the rest of the team if it was carefully considered and integrated well.

What Elijah couldn’t see was how much his fears were driving this dilemma and perpetuating his hypothetical thought scenarios. Noticing this sense of stuckness highlights an opportune moment for him to dive into his own growth edge.

How might Elijah learn from his fears and what they indicate? How might he see expanded possibilities instead of mutually exclusive outcomes?

It was Elijah’s commitment to his own self-inquiry process that led him to discover clarity about aligning his intentions with the corresponding actions. One of the key questions that helped him calibrate his values was:

What is the distinction between caring about someone’s emotions and attempting to predict and manage their emotions?

The value that surfaced in this inquiry for Elijah was connected to his intention to accept the fact that people have sovereignty over their own emotional experiences. He recognized that he wasn’t able to truly control anyone else’s inner world. If he avoided sharing the feedback, he would be operating under a delusional attempt to manage her emotions. Under this premise, he was choosing likeability over honesty. He was choosing comfort over perceived tension. He was sending the message that he believed neither he nor she could emotionally handle a direct conversation. He was choosing control over emotional sovereignty. He was choosing limitation instead of growth.

Similarly, Elijah realized that if he shared the feedback while he was still in a state of fear, it would in fact increase the probability that he would impact her in a way that elicited defensiveness and blame. It would be more likely that he would transmit fear through his very delivery, justifying her skepticism of his intentions. If he wasn’t clear and direct, ultimately owning his own intentions, how could he expect her to do the same? By sharing the feedback, yet remaining fearful and hesitant in his delivery, he was attempting to manage his own emotions. He was choosing fear over clarity.

In order to share the feedback in a way that demonstrated care for her emotions, yet did not attempt to manage them, he needed to process enough of his fear so that he could show up wholly. Each part of his self-inquiry revealed truths he needed to accept. Each acceptance brought him into a state of presence. The more he felt present, the less fear he felt.

What initially presented itself as an annoying work dilemma had become a chance for Elijah to step into his wholeness.

By choosing to embrace his growth and step into the uncomfortable territory of self-inquiry, Elijah realized the way his own growth was directly linked to serving others with compassion.

Elijah rooted himself in feeling his core worth beyond what others thought about him. He aligned with his value of emotional sovereignty. He also viscerally accepted the truth that he could not control his colleague’s emotions, though it was vitally important to him that she felt his care.

Ultimately, he accepted that no matter how well-intentioned he was, she might feel anger towards him; however as long as he was in his integrity, he could accept that reality and not attempt to change her. He could just be with her anger and that would be okay. He considered the worst-case scenario, in which her anger and inability to be with it catalyzed her to leave the company. He knew he would be okay with the consequences because had acted from a place of clarity and wholeness.

From this place, Elijah started to feel excited about the conversation. He felt the content of the feedback take on a new form. Instead of something that needed ‘fixing,’ the situation felt full of possibilities for everyone on the team to get curious about. He felt warmth in his chest as he thought of how much he cared about his colleague, and about how he was willing to feel all these emotions in order to show up in the conversation with clarity, care, and honesty.

During the performance review, Elijah maintained an inner commitment to continue releasing himself from expected outcomes. He shared the feedback with calmness and he felt how much he cared about her and the possibility that this feedback could serve her growth.

We don’t know what will happen. However, we do know that Elijah is filled with excitement, connected to his care, and has expanded his own growth edge by stepping into further wholeness as he turned toward this challenge. He chose to value emotional sovereignty, honesty, and self-connection. He chose to care about his colleague’s emotions instead of trying to manage her emotions and mitigate outcomes.

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